We are at an impasse. Cinema etiquette is at an all time low, and I have no idea how to fix it. We need to do something.
I love going to the cinema. It’s great. The lights dim. The rustle of hands reaching into popcorn echoes around you. You sit back and let yourself be taken to a whole new world.
I’ve been to the cinema 35 times this year. Praise to Nicole Kidman for the Odeon limitless card, otherwise my bank account would have been screaming in agony.
Point being, I love it. It’s my favourite pastime.
Though my love is really starting to be tested. Not because of the film, but because of the piss poor etiquette.
Considering the small number of people who read my writing are also avid cinema lovers, I’m not telling you anything you don’t know.
There’s always a group of kids who think they are hysterical and don’t stop making loud, obnoxious jokes, trying to impress everyone. It is not impressing us, and no, you are not funny. Not even the slightest.
If it’s not them, it’s the people chatting among themselves as if they are in a bar. Or the glare of someone’s Instagram on their phone, which is nine out of ten times not more interesting than the film. And even if it was, it does not warrant being on your phone.
Unless your whole family is dying, I don’t want to see you on your phone.
There is even the occasion where there are just people vaping or smoking weed. Yes, that has happened before. Several times, actually. I only have to look back to a few months ago when watching The Long Walk. Although at that time I didn’t quite notice over the sound of my sniffling nose and the drying of my eyes on my hoodie sleeve.
However, judging by the reactions of nearly everyone in the room, it was quite bad.
I’ve been umming and ahhing about writing this for a while. Mainly because I don’t want to come across as an old man waving his fist at clouds, so I try to stray away. And I haven’t had the time.
That has now changed. My buttons have been pushed. My last nerve has been touched. I have fallen off the edge.
My girlfriend and I had gone to watch Coleen Hoover’s new book-to-film adaptation, Regretting You. If you’re interested, it’s an awful film. Truly. I may review it if I find the time and can make it through without losing my mind.
The film was already an excruciating experience as it was, but the experience outside of it amplifies my anger tenfold.
It felt like I was at the park. Or maybe the zoo. I’d go as far as to say I’ve been to football games that were less loud than some of the people in that room.
Why people feel the need, after spending so much money to watch this film, to just talk, chat and shout at thingshappening in the film is beyond me. You are not in your bedroom. This is a cinema. People have paid good money to be here. You do not deserve to ruin it for other people. I promise, you are not that important.
It’s infuriating. Something needs to be done about it. I’m not saying we go full Ricky Gervais in Afterlife and start throwing bricks at people, as tempting as that may be, but we need to collectively think of something.
I have been back and forth on how to fix it, and I don’t have an answer. As much as it’s their job, I’m not expecting teenage cinema workers who are not paid enough to deal with the fallout that will come with reporting it.
I’d say we have over 18 screenings for films, but I’d be blind to think that the problem is exclusively with kids. If anything, it’s more the adults.
Annoyingly, the only way you can make a change is by influencing the people who are acting like this. Which seems impossible. It ends up with you looking like the meme where the person is having a conversation with the wall.
I’m out of ideas. If you have any, I’d love to hear them. I’m leaning towards public shame and booing people, but I’m not sure that will catch on. Maybe if there is enough agreement.
I get it. COVID happened, and we all forgot how to act at the cinema. That’s ok. Streaming ruined things. I get it. But you are not at home. You are with people who could have quite possibly paid some important money to be at that film. Have some respect and keep your thoughts to yourself.
As soon as you leave that room, shout until your heart’s content. But while you’re there, just shut up. It’s that simple. Just do that before I lose my mind.
Let me be angry about a bad film in peace.
